This paper was written for TH131 under Mrs. Borja. She said it was hard to read.
“Sapagkat nilikha Mo kami upang sa Iyo ri’y makauwi, at hindi mapalagay ang aming puso hangga’t hindi namamahinga sa Iyo.” This line is probably the most moving line of St. Augustine in his Confessions. What makes it powerful for me is the fact that this line synthesizes the whole book. As St. Augustine pondered on the meaning of his life, as he recounted the various points of his life, as he recalled his moments of consolation and desolation, he never failed to seek the help of God. In this way, he presents himself to God, although St. Augustine completely knew that everything is known to God – “at sa Iyong karununga’y walang makasusukat.”
Sapagkat nilikha Mo kami upang sa Iyo ri’y makauwi. Augustine realizes his archē, his beginning – God. I believe that this truth is embedded in my conciousness. It is an everlasting imprint in me, a truth that I can not completely turn away from. This leaning to the One, the Good, the Truth is a fundamental reality of the human person as the Lord himself testifies: “even you…who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children.”
At hindi mapalagay ang aming puso. This is the most interesting part of the line, the part which made me realize a lot of things about myself. The restlessness that Augustine feels is brought by his desire “to love and be loved,” “umibig at ibigin.” Is this not the same for most people? I am guilty of this desire. I want to love but this love is not just limited to a person. This love comes in different forms. It is when I am lost trying to figure out which and whom to love that God comes in, somehow telling me: So gusto mo pa lang mahalin?
It is also at this point that I realize that I am also guilty of the same problem that St. Augustine had – the problem of volition. The Confessions gave me a sense that he knows what to do but he can’t do it, that he sincerely wants it but not enough. This divided will, is immortalized in his prayer: “Grant me chastity and self-control but please, not yet.” This is exactly the same prayer that I occasionally say to God. My prayer remains unanswered until now.
Hangga’t hindi namamahinga sa Iyo. What begins in God, ends in God. God is the ultimate tēlos. It is in God that we find quies, that is, rest and quiet. As long as I know that I can find rest in God, all restlessness is surmountable. St. Augustine’s Confessions is reminiscent of one parable – that of the Prodigal Son. After learning his mistake, he decided to go back to God and to ask for forgiveness. At the end, he found his quies – the rest, the quiet, the stability which his heart longs for.
As I also look into my restlessness, it is good to think that in a not-so-distant past, there lived a man who confronted his own restlessness, begging God to look at him with compassion. The restlessness that Augustine felt, that I am also feeling, gains meaning only if viewed in the light of the archē and the tēlos. To know that God is the beginning and the end does not necessarily erase the restlessness but the knowledge gives meaning to our restlessness, to my restlessness. Without the knowledge of archē and the tēlos, we end up only having restless hearts.
